


Behind the scenes

by ChaoticNachoKitten



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Food Poisoning, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sickfic, Tags Are Hard, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:40:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24703945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChaoticNachoKitten/pseuds/ChaoticNachoKitten
Summary: A Jan centric sickfic based on press week day two. Everyone tries their best to help her.
Relationships: Jackie Cox/Jan Sport
Comments: 19
Kudos: 63





	1. Chapter one

**Author's Note:**

> Heyy, I'm back^-^  
> This is also posted on artificialqueens in case you prefer it. Please let me know if you want a second part, which would essentially be fluff, fluff and more fluff:)  
> As always, any kind of feedback is more than appreciated<3  
> (Comments make my day!)

BEEP, BEEP!  
Jan woke up to the worst sound known to humankind at 6am after two hours (that felt like two minutes) of sleep. Her alarm clock. It, of course didn’t sound any different than usual, but to Jan it sounded ear piercingly loud, and didn’t help the pounding headache that was slowly beginning to form behind her temples. Turning off the man-made demon with a groan, she decided that she already felt strongly negative about the day, and it hadn’t even started yet. Those feelings were rare for her, usually she was someone with a lot of positive energy, even in the morning.

And why was she feeling that way? The day prior had been great, the first day of press week. Being able to talk to all of her sisters again in person had been amazing, just like being able to show herself to the world and all of the new fans, making sure her first impression was positive and flawless. The day had been going great. Jan had felt ecstatic. They had wrapped up the filming for the day, and the girls had decided to go back to their respective hotel rooms early in order to be well rested for the second day. And that had been the plan until she had started to feel bad.

At first it had been just a bit of a stomach ache that she managed to ignore (probably thanks to the leftover adrenaline) in order to finish her night time routine. However, by the time it was 10pm she was kneeling in front of the toilet, anxiously waiting for the inevitable to happen. It did, and it was incredibly painful, leaving her with a burning throat, breathing heavily, trying to hold back her tears in order to keep her eyes from getting puffy, still wanting to look as perfect as possible the following day. 

After successfully, albeit with difficulty, blinking away the ones that had threatened to spill over, Jan briefly thought about telling one of her sisters about it (Jackie’s room happened to be right next to hers) as she didn’t feel better at all, even after vomiting. She didn’t want to be alone, but quickly dismissed that idea. She didn’t want to be a bother and rob the others of their much needed sleep, she could take care of herself, and maybe it just happened to be a one time thing that would go away soon.  
Oh, how wrong she had been about that. Not even an hour after she had managed to weakly stumble back to bed, immediately falling asleep, she was woken up by a sharp, stabbing pain in her stomach. Before she even had the chance to comprehend what exactly was going on, she felt an overwhelmingly intense wave of nausea, and the next thing she knew was that she was sprinting to the bathroom like her life depended on it, determined not to ruin her beautiful, clean room. 

This cycle had continued in hourly intervals, and finally stopped at 4 am with Jan laying in her bed, feeling absolutely drained, exhausted and so, so cold. Her entire body hurt, and she felt like she couldn’t move, partly due to exhaustion, and partly because she was convinced that every tiny bit of movement could trigger a new throwing up session, which was the last thing she wanted. Luckily, the exhaustion took over within minutes, and she was able to go to sleep, escaping her pain.

Jan dragged herself out of bed, trying to go as slow as her schedule allowed. The nausea was still there, but faint enough not to be a huge concern. However, when Jan attempted to walk into the bathroom, black dots were clouding her vision, making her head spin, and she had to sit back down for a minute before they finally disappeared.

“Jesus, I look terrible!” Jan exclaimed in complete and utter shock after looking in the mirror. Sure, she had expected not to look 100% in the morning, but she hadn’t thought it would be that awful. Pale skin to the point where her usual makeup might actually be too dark for her complexion, eyes that had still decided to be puffy, almost purple shadows under her eyes, and cracked lips. At least her voice still sounded surprisingly normal, although talking felt like swallowing knives, but concealing last night’s events with makeup would be an incredibly complex and time consuming task, and she had to do all of that in a fairly short time.

The girls were expected to be basically finished after breakfast. With a sigh, she changed into whatever clothes looked somewhat presentable (it didn’t matter because she would change into her actual outfit after breakfast anyway), brushed her teeth, showered, and did her skincare routine. Once all of that was done, she started applying her makeup. She was going for a more spooky look for once to show the fans how versatile she was, dark eyeshadow and nude lips, that would be completed later on with white contacts. The process was taking longer than her usual two hours, simply because she was incredibly tired and therefore had to focus a lot more on not messing up anything, determined not to create anything less than perfect. She didn’t want to seem lazy after all.  
When Jan was about to put on her lashes, she heard a knock on the door.

“Hey Jan, it’s Jackie. Are you almost ready, should I wait for you? Do you need help with anything?”

Jan smiled to herself. Jackie was sweet. Sweet and caring.  
“No, it’s fine, go ahead and grab yourself some breakfast before there’s nothing left. You know how the others are.”

She heard Jackie chuckle. “You sure? Alright, see you in a minute then, I’ll make sure to save a seat for you!”

“Okay, thank you!” Jan replied before resuming to glue on her lashes. She could have done them after the contacts as well, but she had a feeling that that would be a bad idea. 

Her lashes went on smoothly after the first try on both eyes. Afterwards she looked at the white contacts. She almost didn’t want to put them in at all, knowing that she would end up with a killer headache, but then again, she already had one already anyway, so it didn’t really matter. Besides, she couldn’t change her look anymore because her face was already beat. 

Putting the contacts in was successful too, but she immediately regretted them as soon as the first one was in. Her vision wasn’t great to begin with, but now she could basically see nothing anymore, only straining her eyes to the extreme helped her not to bump into too many things as she tried to find her way to the secluded area in the dining hall that was there especially for the season 12 queens, they even had their own small buffet. She forced a smile on her face in order not to raise any suspicion or concern from the other girls. The sight and smell of food alone made her feel slightly sick.

Once she had reached the table, she was greeted by tired “Hey Jan” ‘s, and one cheerful “Hi Janice!” Rock seemed to have the most energy already. Jan greeted them back and tried to sound as enthusiastic as her usual bubbly persona. Jackie gently smiled at Jan and gestured for her to sit next to her. Before she could do so, Brita asked her to come to her, wanting to see Jan’s contacts up close.

“Wow, those are some great contacts, Jan. Kind of spooky, I like it. And the best thing is that even if they move they won’t look crooked.” Aiden seemed to take this as a read, referencing the frozen runway. She was too tired to say anything, so she just glanced at Brita for a moment before her eyes almost fluttered shut again.

Jan chuckled slightly, secretly hoping the conversation would be over soon as Brita was simply too loud for her today. 

“Thank you, I can’t really tell how they look. In fact I can’t see anything with them..”

Brita just shook her head, laughing softly.  
Jan walked back and sat down between Jackie and Heidi. She took a look at the rest of the girls. Everyone had their face at least almost done, and it all looked a tiny bit odd, completely done faces and casual clothes.

Jan noticed Nicky gently waking up Aiden every couple of minutes, keeping Aiden’s makeup from getting ruined by the plate with food in front of her. It made her chuckle slightly, she was glad she wasn’t the only one who could barely keep her eyes open. Then she thought about all the things they would film today.

Yesterday she had been ecstatic about press week, but now she just wanted it to be over already. She desperately hoped they didn’t have anything planned that would involve crazy movements like dancing or death dropping as she was almost convinced her still sensitive stomach would not be able to handle that…

Jan was pulled back to reality by Jackie, who gently tapped her on her arm to get Jan’s attention. Jackie’s expression was confused and slightly worried.

“Hey there Jan, are you okay? I just asked you something.” 

Jackie’s voice was gentle and caring. Jan was secretly grateful to sit specifically next to her, and not anyone loud like Brita or Rock. The latter was sitting on the opposite side of the table and still so loud, trying to make conversation with a half asleep Jaida, who just managed to nod along.

Jan looked apologetic. “Sorry Jackie, I must have zoned out for a minute there. What is it?”

“No need to apologize love, we're all tired. But you should probably eat something now, we don’t have that much time left, and you’ll need your strength, it’s going to be a long day.”  
Jan shook her head. “I’m not really hungry, kind of nervous about the day today..” It technically wasn’t a lie, just a part left out.

Jackie now looked really concerned as Jan hadn’t been this nervous yesterday, and nothing had really happened that would give her any reason to suddenly feel that way.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Jan quickly responded with a quiet “No, but thank you, I appreciate it.” Jackie decided to accept it for now.  
Heidi, who had been silent until this point, clearly still tired, joined in on their conversation. 

“Jackie’s right, you should really eat, otherwise you’ll have to go hours without food, and that’s really bad” she added, equally concerned.

Jan still didn’t look convinced, so Jackie tried one last method. “Please? Just a little bit, for me?”

Jan smiled at her, looking kind of sad and guilty. Jackie felt bad about having asked that way now, and gave Jan a quick hug.  
“Sorry baby, it’s still your decision of course, if you can’t eat right now, you can’t, that’s okay. But..” Jackie got up and returned moments later, a glass of water in her hand. She put it in front of Jan.

“Here, at least drink something, please baby.”

Jan knew she couldn’t really refuse without telling the actual truth, so she forced another smile onto her face.

“Thank you, but you didn’t have to go through the trouble..”

Jackie interrupted her. “Trouble? What kind of trouble?”  
She was generally confused. Jan must really be nervous today.  
Jan shook her head again. “Sorry. Thanks again.” 

She proceeded to take a few small sips before putting the glass down. When Jackie raised an eyebrow at that, she forced herself to finish it. Jackie seemed to be pleased afterwards and even offered a gentle “Well done”, probably already sensing that something was wrong, but at the same time she didn’t want to force Jan to talk about something she wasn’t ready to talk about yet. Instead she just proceeded to hug her again, longer this time. Listening closely, a tiny, almost pained sound could be heard. Jackie made a mental note to keep a very close eye on Jan today.

Soon after that, they only had half an hour left to get ready before they were all expected to wait in the lobby for the van that was going to pick them up. Since Jackie had noticed how much Jan had struggled with not walking into things, thanks to the white contacts, she had offered to hold Jan’s hand in order to guide her safely back to her room. Jan, of course, had accepted the nice offer, not wanting to add any more bruises that she would have to cover up with tons of concealer. 

However, the minute she got up, her body reminded her of the water that apparently had been too much for it to handle.  
The walk back to her room was painfully slow to her, Jan tensed up, face feeling hot, head pounding, trying to breathe as calmly as possible to delay the inevitable for as long as possible, at least until she was alone. Jackie thankfully didn’t try to make conversation, making everything easier. 

Once they had reached their destination, Jan muttered a “thank you” before quickly unlocking her door, closing it behind her, and running into the bathroom. 

She turned on the sink so any noise would be masked before opening the toilet lid with in a panicked manner, barely bending over it before she felt the water and acid coming back up. The sensation only lasted for a couple of seconds, perhaps a minute, but it made her insides hurt and burn so bad she wanted to lay on the floor and cry, but of course she couldn’t do that. In fact, she needed to get ready now, otherwise she would be late, making everyone else wait for her, and that was the last thing she wanted. 

She fixed her now slightly messed up lip stick with lightening speed before tucking, putting on her look for the day and adding the accessories to complete her look. She looked in the mirror one last time, impressed with her own work. No one would be able to tell how crappy she was actually feeling. 

When she heard another knock, she went to open the door this time. Sure enough, it was Jackie again, looking absolutely stunning like usual. Jan immediately complimented her, of course the compliment was returned and they walked to the lobby together, holding hands again. 

This time, Jan casually asked Jackie something about her makeup technique, trying to pretend she was feeling better, not wanting to concern the older queen any further. Despite feeling awful she was feeling, she managed to listen, nod, smile and even give good responses. But they both knew Jackie wasn’t fooled that easily. 

They met the other girls in the lobby, everyone seemed to be awake by now, a light conversation was going on. The van would arrive in a couple of minutes, so the conversation just carried on casually.

While Jan didn’t engage in it a whole lot, trying to save some of her energy, she really enjoyed moments like those, sickness aside. All of the girls smiling and laughing reminded Jan again of how lucky she was to be in this season with all of those amazing queens who not only were incredibly talented but also happened to be amazing human beings. She loved all of them so much. Even with the occasional fighting between some queens (read: Brita and Aiden) they were still sisters at the end of the day and only wanted the best for each other.

“Jan, are you okay? You’re so quiet today..” Jaida put a hand on Jan’s shoulder.

“It’s all going to be fine, everyone will love you as much as we do, I promise. You’re the last person that has to be nervous about your first impression. Okay?”

Jan was about to answer when Nicky suddenly exclaimed “Guys, the van is here, hurry up!”

The van thankfully was big enough for all of them to fit in with no problem, even Rock's huge tea-set-on-a-wig-construction and the huge amount of makeup supplies for the sake of retouching. The ride to the place where everything would be filmed was going pretty uneventful, Jan sat between Rock and Jackie. Rock tried to cheer Jan up by showing her the collection of all the memes from their season she had created. 

While Jan appreciated her efforts, squinting hard enough to see what the other girl was trying to show her on the small, way too bright screen didn’t do the pounding headache any favors. Still, she laughed at practically every meme, seeing how happy it seemed to make Rock.

Jackie, on the other hand, silently comforted Jan by taking her hand, gently tracing random patterns all over the soft skin.  
Gigi and Crystal were doing their almost ceremony like fruit snack thing while the other queens were having a light conversation, talking about whatever was on their minds. Suddenly, however the topic had apparently shifted to something more serious, because Aiden and Brita started fighting once again. 

Jan desperately wished she had the shade button with her to lighten back up the mood, or at least the energy to somehow break up the fight. While she hated seeing her sisters fight like that, she mostly wanted them to stop because they were getting too loud. 

The others did their best to handle the situation, but neither Aiden nor Brita was really willing to talk it out. Everyone was now talking over each other, and suddenly it was too much for Jan and her head to deal with. Everything was too loud. She let out a soft pained sound before frantically pulling away her hands from Jackie in order to cover her ears. 

Widow noticed it, and then gave both Aiden and Brita a gentle tap on the shoulder to get their attention before simply pointing to Jan. They were both shocked, they had never seen Jan act like this. She almost looked like she was about to cry. They quickly agreed on not continuing to fight for now for Jan’s (and everyone else’s sake) before frantically apologizing to Jan, who smiled at them with a somewhat pained expression she tried to mask. 

“It’s alright, but I really don’t like seeing you fight like this.” 

Everyone else strongly agreed with that. At this point they were basically family and they all wanted the best for each other.  
Jackie waited until everyone else’s attention was back to the now much more forced friendly conversation (and Rock's on her phone, creating a meme out of a picture of something she had just taken), before asking Jan “What’s wrong baby? Where does it hurt?”

Jan really didn’t want to worry anyone, so she just responded with a “I’m fine, they were just getting a tiny bit too loud and I wanted them to stop.” 

When Jackie didn’t look convinced whatsoever, she added “Really, I’m just a bit sensitive today, I didn’t sleep enough yesterday, so that’s probably why.”

Jackie sighed a bit, pulling Jan close, muttering a “I wish you would just tell me what’s wrong" under her breath, but Jan didn’t seem to have heard it. 

“Okay here’s the plan. Just close your eyes and relax for a bit, we have about 15 minutes left before we’re there.” 

Jan, still in Jackie’s embrace, tried to get as comfortable as possible, which wasn’t that easy because the stomach pain was getting stronger once again, but she managed not to show it in any way, and closed her eyes. 

By the time they had reached the filming location, Jan at least didn’t feel worse. She was convinced she could power through the day if she just tried hard enough. As soon as the queens entered the building, they all had their pictures taken, and afterwards the production team began preparing them for their first interview, securing microphones on them, which meant they weren’t really able to talk before the interview.

The interview went extremely well, although it was a lot more draining compared to yesterday for Jan. She had to be extremely careful not to show any signs of discomfort or pain, which had been absolute torture. 

By the end she had even started to feel sick, which led to her essentially running to the bathroom as soon as the producers announced their ten minute break, tripping and almost falling twice in the process. 

In the bathroom Jan started dry heaving for about two minutes before more acid made its way back up. Jan wanted to scream, she was in such a great pain. She felt tears pricking in the corner of her eyes, but blinked them away as well. Her stomach was cramping violently and her head was pounding so hard she was sure it would explode sooner or later. She let herself sink to the ground, at least the floor was pretty clean, but even if hadn’t been she wouldn’t have been able to bring herself to care.

Meanwhile Jackie wondered what could possibly wrong with the younger queen. She had been acting weird for the entire day, excluding the interview. Something was so clearly wrong with her, but Jan just didn’t seem to want to talk about it, and Jackie didn’t want to force her to do so either. And since Jan had been acting like usual in the interview, maybe it wasn’t anything to seriously worry about. At least that’s what Jackie told herself to remain calm and collected. 

Widow's voice interrupted her thoughts.

“I’m sure she’s doing alright, you know Jan and her constant need to go to the bathroom. And if she’s not, we'll find out sooner or later.”

“You’re right, thanks Widow.”

“I’m always right.”

Despite Widow’s words, Jackie got even more suspicious when Jan came back from the bathroom, immediately fixing her nude lipstick. What has she been doing in there?

Jackie decided enough was enough, she walked up to Jan’s vanity to ask her about it, when the producers announced the end of their break and they had to film something else that started to blur with all of the stuff they had filmed the day prior.  
When they were done with filming, and everyone was already leaving to go and relax for a bit before the next thing, they were called back. There had been some problems with the audio and they ended up having to film everything once more.

By the end everyone was mildly annoyed, but not enough to show it, at least not on camera. However, they were running late now, which meant some of their breaks were canceled , and the ones they had were cut in half. Jackie didn’t get the chance to talk to Jan until lunch as the younger girl had spent the one break before lunch exclusively in the bathroom, and Jackie didn’t want to interrupt her privacy by walking in. The other girls had joked about Jan and how she was trying to avoid them, but Jackie was worried. 

Her worry proved to be right as Jan, who looked worryingly exhausted at this point, such a contrast to her usual, bubbly self, told the other girls she would join them in a couple of minutes.  
Her excuse was something about having to fix her highlighter which she had apparently accidentally smudged and she was worried she’d forget about it after eating. Nicky had offered to fix her makeup for her, Jackie had offered to wait for Jan once more, but Jan had politely declined. However, when Jan didn’t show up to their table about 20 minutes later (their lunch break was shortened to only half an hour), Jackie, Heidi, Nicky and Rock, all now equally concerned, decided to get Jan themselves.

They found her somewhat peacefully asleep in front of her vanity. Rock immediately got out her phone and took a few pictures to add them to her meme collection.  
Nicky shook her head in disbelief. 

“Rock, stop that right now. Leave her alone.” Realizing her mistake as Rock grinned and opened her mouth, Nicky quickly added “Don’t you dare say it.”

Rock's grin only grew at that. “She’s clearly bothered.” 

Nicky groaned, and Heidi chuckled. “I should start charging you for using my phrases..I’d be rich by the end of this week!”

Jackie walked up to Jan to take a closer look at her. The girl looked so innocent, but so, so exhausted at the same time. She almost looked..sick? Could that be it? Looking up closely Jackie could even see the faintest bit of red cheeks under all of the heavy makeup that wouldn’t show up on camera though. She was hesitant to touch Jan’s face, not wanting to ruin her perfectly applied makeup, but at the same time she needed clarity.

“Guys, something is wrong with her. I think she’s sick. It kind of looks like she has a fever.”

Nicky gasped. “Oh no, mon pauvre ange! Check for one then!” 

Rock nodded, unsure what to do, feeling completely useless. Heidi sensed how Rock was feeling, and gently proceeded to pat her on the shoulder, hoping to offer some kind of comfort.  
Before Jackie could do or say anything, Nicky added “I’ll fix her makeup if it gets messed up, no problem.” 

Jackie offered Nicky a grateful smile before reaching out to touch Jan’s forehead and cheeks as gently as possible, but enough to get an actual result. They both felt too hot. 

What concerned Jackie most was that the younger queen’s face was still completely dry. She looked back to Nicky, Heidi and Rock, sadly nodding to answer the unspoken question. Nicky grabbed a nearby fan, which happened to be black with the word ‘shade' written in white, huge letters on it, and started fanning Jan’s face to cool her down.

“What are we going to do now?” Rock asked, looking sad and helpless, her usual chaotic energy had completely vanished and instead been replaced with concern.  
Jackie wanted to get Rock out of that situation, so she asked her for a favor.

“Rock, I need you to do something very important now. As we can all see, she needs a bit more rest, and our break is about to be over.” Rock nodded, waiting and Jackie continued.  
“I need you to convince Dahlia to talk to the producers about break time. I think we'll be most successful if she does the talking.” 

Rock hastily agreed and ran off to talk to Dahlia. Once she was gone, Jackie gently took Jan’s hand, to, although she really didn’t want to, check something important. She pinched the back of Jan’s hand, which woke up the younger girl. Jan started freaking out, unsure of where she was. She seemed to remember only a few seconds later though. 

“Why’d you pinch me?” she asked part sad, part hurt and part tired. Nicky was confused as well. She put her fan down after seeing that Jan was slightly shivering.

Jackie felt extremely guilty for waking up the poor girl when she very clearly needed any rest she could get. 

“I’m so, so sorry Jan, I needed to check something.” Jan was  
about to ask what, when Jackie gently lifted up Jan’s arm so she could look at her hand.

“See that? The skin isn’t snapping back into place like it should. You’re completely dehydrated, and that is very dangerous. I need you to drink something immediately, and then please tell me what has been going on with you today, okay baby?”  
Jan just managed to nod weakly, not wanting make a bigger deal out of it. She didn’t want to put anything into her body anymore though, the consequences were just not worth the pain. 

“I’m gonna get you some water, I’ll be right back" Heidi announced, essentially running to get said item as soon as possible, not even leaving Jan the chance to thank her. 

The other girls came back from their lunch. They had been casually talking to each other, but fell silent as soon as they saw Jan, and the other two queens trying to help her. Heidi managed to come back and give Jackie a water bottle before all of the other girls (save for Rock and Dahlia who decided it would be best to give Jan some space)were crowding around Jan, deep concern visible on their faces. No one dared to say anything though.

Jackie’s attention was still completely on Jan, who looked at the water like it was some kind of poison when Jackie held it out for her. Jan shook her head, almost looking scared. 

“I can’t..I don’t want to..”

Jackie was extremely confused now.

“Jan baby, you need to. It’s just water, it’s not going to hurt you.”

Jan whimpered. “I don’t want to throw up..again.” Then, another shot of pain pierced her skull, making Jan almost cry because she couldn’t even touch her face to make it better. 

Jackie looked slightly alarmed now, as much as she wanted to keep her cool. Instinctively, she wrapped her arms around Jan in a protective way. Jan immediately held onto her for dear life. Jackie could feel Jan’s unnatural heat, as well as the shaking from the younger girl. 

“Are you cold?” Jackie almost whispered. For some reason she felt like talking too loudly would burst the little safe bubble the two of them had in that very moment.

Jan was so focused on being held by Jackie she didn’t even seem to acknowledge her surroundings (especially the crowd of the rest of the girls) anymore. Jackie felt Jan’s head moving in a nodding motion against her shoulder. Jaida left and returned with a blanket what seemed like seconds later. Carefully, she put it around Jan without having to separate her from Jackie. It was a bit difficult, but she managed to do it.

Eventually they broke the hug, and Jackie finally had the opportunity to ask.

“What do you mean, ‘again'?”

Jan just decided to give in and be honest. There was no point in pretending to be alright anymore, everyone knew something was off with her already.

“I've been throwing up since 10pm last night..almost every hour..”

The other girls were shocked, they hadn’t suspected anything that severe. A few gaps could be heard.

Before Jackie could respond, Crystal did.

“Why didn’t you tell us? We’re basically family, we love you, we could have helped you..why did you keep that to yourself? Oh my god Jan you must feel so horrible and we still have to film so much an-" 

Crystal's voice had started to shake dangerously and by the end she even started tearing up. Jan opened her arms as quickly as she could and the two hugged. This, however seemed to make Crystal even more emotional. To prevent her from crying, Gigi had grabbed her to gently pull Crystal away from Jan, but not before telling Jan to feel better soon. 

Widow used the opportunity to kindly request everyone besides Jackie and Nicky to give Jan some space, crowding her was probably the last thing she needed, even if she wouldn’t admit it. Widow wanted to say one last thing to Jan before leaving her alone.

“Crystal’s right though, you should have told us. We all love you so much, Jan.”

“I love you too, all of you” Jan whispered, suddenly feeling even weaker than before. Her cheeks were burning.

Once the girls had returned to their own vanities (now everyone, including Brita and Aiden, who had made up for the moment, was talking as quietly as possible as to not make Jan’s headache any worse), Jackie tried to talk Jan into drinking some water, but she was reluctant. Eventually Jan agreed, not wanting to be a bother.

Only a few seconds after agreeing she felt Jackie put one hand on the back of her head, while using the other one to hold a water bottle to Jan’s chapped, painted lips, helping her drink a couple of sips. They had to stop quickly though, Jan had felt nauseous again after only the first one.

Jackie noticed all little leftover color on Jan’s face drain. Nicky seemed to have noticed it too, so she started quietly talking about whatever she could think of to distract Jan. It seemed to work for a short while, but then Jan started to fidget nervously, trying to fight the by now familiar nausea which seemed to be getting more and more intense by the second. 

When she couldn’t take the terrible feeling anymore, she tried to get up to go to the bathroom, but her attempt was quickly stopped. Her legs gave out the second she tried to stand up.  
Before she could fall though, Jackie and Nicky caught her, holding her up on either side. 

“Bathroom?” Nicky asked softly, her beautiful voice laced with concern.

Jan could only manage to give her a slight nod before she started unproductive gagging. Jackie quickly proceeded to pick up Jan, who was desperately covering her mouth in order to keep herself from vomiting, and carried her to the nearest bathroom as fast as she could. Nicky decided to follow them, sensing they might need some more help.

By the time she had arrived in the bathroom, Jan was already hunched over the toilet, dry heaving with tiny pained whimpers in between. Jackie was doing her best to remain calm, holding up the younger queen too keep her from falling forward and talking to her in a hushed voice. Nicky quickly crouched next to Jan, keeping the wig out of Jan’s face while gently rubbing her back with the other one. 

Jan was trying not to cry. At this point she just wanted to curl up in her nice hotel bed and cry until she felt better, but that obviously wasn’t happening. Then she reminded herself of how lucky she was, having the opportunity and platform to show herself to the world, something other, lesser known queens would probably kill for. She could endure a bit more pain, at this point she needed to proof to herself that she was worthy of being part of the s12 cast.

Nicky, who had somehow sensed Jan’s inner conflict, sighed and gently shook her head.

“Jan, mon amour, stop thinking and cry if you need to. I’m sure letting out your emotions is going to make you feel better.”

Jan just weakly gestured to her perfectly beat face. Nicky shrugged, apparently not thinking that this was a valid reason not do what she had just told Jan.

“It’s okay, I promise I’ll fix everything that gets messed up, hell, I’ll even repaint your whole face if it’s necessary. And now, come on, bottling up emotions isn’t good.”

Jan just couldn’t deal with the pain shooting through her entire body and the exhaustion anymore, so she decided to give in. She let out a quiet whimper, and before she could stop anything, the tears and sobs just started and refused to stop. 

Jackie and Nicky held and comforted her through everything, gently telling her everything was going to be okay, wiping away the tears, and reminding her how much everyone loved her, how strong she was for allowing herself to cry.

Jan felt safe and loved, so she decided that showing vulnerability to her sisters wasn’t a terrible thing. In fact, being able to stop pretending to be okay took away a lot of pressure she had been feeling throughout the entire day. She felt like in this moment, they all connected on another level of deep, blind trust.

Everything had been okay, but that precious bonding moment was quickly overshadowed by another wave of immeasurable worry. Jackie and Nicky tried to help Jan back up into a standing position, intending to get her out of the bathroom into the prettier dressing room, but neither of them expected the following to happen. 

Jan had to suppress a scream of pure agony when she tried to stand up straight, feeling her insides hurt like someone was stabbing her with a burning hot knife. The feeling was unbearable, and her eyes turned glassy once again. 

Nicky started to completely freak out, anxiously shrieking in French while Jackie was visibly struggling to keep up her calm, collected façade. She gently sat Jan down on the now closed toilet seat, needing to focus on Nicky for the moment as she looked like she was about to have a panic attack, as well as trying to prevent her from making Jan’s headache even worse with her shrieking. Jackie put both of her hands on Nicky’s shoulders, hoping it would calm her down.

“Nicky, listen baby. I need you to calm down a bit. Can you do that for me?”

Nicky nodded, and took a few deep breaths, but didn’t say anything.

“Okay, good. Well done. I need you to ask everyone whether they have painkillers, including the production team. If they do not, tell Dahlia to put her pettiness to good use to get someone to buy some.”

Nicky quickly nodded, and basically ran out of the room to get said items as soon as possible. Jackie turned her attention back to Jan, who had her eyes forcefully closed, suppressing pained whimpering. Jackie was about to ask her what exactly was wrong when Nicky stormed back in.

“I got some painkillers, but we need to be ready for the next interview in five minutes!” 

Jan started panicking. The last thing she wanted was being filmed with a busted looking face. Her first instinct was to run back to the dressing room to do damage control, but there was no way she could that if she couldn’t even properly stand without crying. 

Jan had been in such a panicked state she hadn’t realized Nicky had run out of the room once again, this time coming back with what seemed like all of the other girls' makeup, for some odd reason even Crystal’s bright red tv paint stick.  
Jan snapped back to reality when Jackie gently tapped her on the shoulder.

“Jan, calm down, it’s okay. We'll make it to the next interview in time, you know Nicky, she can paint quickly if she has to.”

Nicky smiled at Jan before tilting up her head to be able to paint properly, and then got to work, fixing the fairly small parts that had gotten messed up from crying. Nicky was painting with what seemed like lightening speed, and they were actually done just in time. Nicky herself was surprised at how impressive the results were for a three minute fix; Jan’s face looked pretty much brand new, at least not like she had been crying. 

Jackie decided to not even ask Jan whether she try to walk on her own, instead she just picked up the younger queen for the second time that day, and carried her to the filming room. Jan had accepted her fate and didn’t even try to argue. Nicky tried to comfort Jan with some encouragement words.

Jan blushed furiously when they had reached the room as the producers looked at them funnily. While Jan appreciated Jackie’s help (if Jan was being honest with herself, she wouldn’t have been able to get to the set by herself), she hated showing weakness. While it had been okay with Jackie and Nicky, strangers were a whole different story.

Nevertheless, she made sure to thank both of the girls excessively once she was back on the ground, only to be affectionately dismissed by them reassuring Jan that it was “Absolutely no problem at all" and “Don’t be silly baby, that’s the least we could do.” 

The filming crew still needed a few minutes to set up the camera properly, so Heidi used the opportunity to walk up to Jan, taking a look at her.

“Aww Jan, you’re still not feeling your jantasy, are you? You poor thing.” Jan smiled softly, but shook her head. Heidi then proceeded to hug her, gently whispering “It’s going to be over soon, I promise. Stay strong, baby.”

If Jan and Heidi had looked around, they would have seen 10 pairs of eyes looking at them and 10 hearts basically melting at the display of deep affection.

The interview went alright. Jan, once again forced herself to appear all cheerful and happy, determined to show the world who she was, and to herself that she was a true professional who could act and pretend to be excited when in reality she was in pain and the only thing she wanted was to get to the hotel to finally get some rest.

Jackie was kind of shocked. The same Jan who had been crying a few minutes prior was now giggling at some joke someone had made. No viewer would know what had been going on behind the scenes. Jackie couldn’t help but wonder if Jan was overworking herself. 

Jackie's microphone had been acting weird during the filming, so she had no choice but to leave Jan alone in order to get it fixed, leaving the other girls in charge to keep an eye on her.  
Now, during the break everyone made sure to check on Jan at least once. Well, except for Rock. She had tried to talk to Jan about some of her new memes, but before she could even get out her phone, Gigi had made her leave (well, actually she had just given her the choice to either be quiet or leave, and Rock had accepted that she had many talents, but being quiet wasn’t one of them). 

In fact, Gigi had proved once again how intimidating she could be, but it had worked, the other queens were giving Jan the space she probably needed. Well, most of them, anyway. Gigi had allowed Crystal to be near Jan as long as she was there to pull her away again in case Crystal’s emotions would get the best of her again. They did, unsurprisingly, and Gigi then decided Crystal was just not made for situations like those.  
Once Gigi had left with Crystal so she wouldn’t cry, the other queens, one by one, made sure to show Jan how much they cared and tried to help her in any way they could.

Aiden and Brita were keeping their promise not to fight, they were still trying to avoid each other, but both were most likely too tired to fight anymore anyway. Coincidentally they both praised Jan for being so strong and professional in a similar way just a few minutes apart from each other without knowing.  
Jaida and Heidi were checking up on her next. While Heidi immediately hugged Jan once more, wordlessly comforting her, Jaida wanted to make sure Jan was okay with actual words.  
“Are you okay? Do you need anything? Are you still in pain?” Jaida was trying to stay and act as calm as she normally was, but the questions just flooded out of her.

Once Jan was released from the hug, she smiled at Jaida and answered with a “I’m okay now, gorg, thanks for asking.”  
The fact that Jan was still trying to put on a happy face as to not concern anyone made Jaida’s heart hurt. 

Around a minute later, Widow, Nicky and Dahlia wanted to talk to Jan as well, so Jaida and Heidi left, not wanting to overwhelm Jan (and get yelled at by Gigi because of it).  
Dahlia spoke first, offering to talk to the producers again to get more time in between the filming sequences. Jan politely declined, not wanting the filming to take any longer than necessary, but still thanked Dahlia for having made that kind offer.

Widow was trying to talk Jan into taking the painkillers that had been forgotten earlier, but Jan was reluctant, not wanting to be sick again. Nicky joined in the discussion while carefully reapplying Jan’s lipstick. Close to the end of the break they had to accept that Jan was just too scared to ingest anything, all of them making a mental note to tell Jackie about it. Jan seemed to listen to her the most, and she had this caring thing about her where everyone just did anything she wanted them to out of trust.

When the girls’ break was over, they were told to go to the filming room once again. Jan had insisted she could walk this time, even after Nicky had offered to carry her, the argument being “Jan, you’re not heavy, it’s really no problem, accepting help is not a sign of weakness or whatever it is you’re scared of.” 

At the end, they had comprised and Nicky and Rock were supporting her by the waist on either side. Jan was actually glad her friends had insisted on “at least” helping her like this, her legs were still shaking and had almost given out several times before reaching their destination, and she would have fallen without support.

When they had finally reached the room, thankfully without any kind of accidents, Jackie was already there, her microphone was now finally fixed. Everyone sat down on their assigned seats. Jackie wanted to ask Jan how she was feeling, but before she had the chance to do so, the cameras started rolling.

By now, everyone wanted to be done with filming for the day.  
While they of course were eternally grateful for such an opportunity many could only dream of, trying to stay enthusiastic and entertaining for an entire day with little time in between filming was stressful, but then again, it was all part of what they had signed up for.

The filming was going well so far, but Jan was struggling more and more to keep up with everything. Again, no one was able to tell as she was trying her hardest not to show any signs of even mild discomfort. Nobody could see how every time someone laughed, a sharp flash of pain would shoot through her head.  
She was seeing stars by the end of the sequence. No one would have ever guessed the second she moved too much she could feel her insides cramping and the burning nausea that accompanied the awful sensation. 

Jan kept reminding herself that every day would end eventually and that she at least didn’t have to hide anything anymore. Her sisters were there for her and would do anything for her if that meant she would feel better. 

With that in mind, she was able to get through the interview, she couldn’t disappoint the others like that, acting weird so the whole mood would be off. Instead she wanted to keep it light and entertaining. Although every forced smile and laugh was incredibly difficult to maintain throughout the entire time, she powered through. When the camera was turned off for the time being, Jan wanted to cry because she was so glad she had a few minutes to not be okay.

Of course, she didn’t actually cry, she didn’t even have the strength anymore and she didn’t want to ruin Nicky’s efforts to keep her face perfectly beat. 

“..Jan? Jan, come on, we're done for now baby.” Jan felt a light tap on her shoulder. She hadn’t noticed that she had zoned out again and everyone else except Jackie was already gone. 

Jackie was standing in front of her, looking down on her with the all too familiar concerned expression Jan had seen quite a lot today. It made her feel sad and she wished she could erase it, but at this point, pretending to be fine or at least better would both be impossible and not really believable.

“Come on, let’s go back, Jannifer.” Jackie smiled at Jan, but it didn’t quite meet her eyes, the concern didn’t leave her face in the slightest bit. Jan tried to return the smile as best as she could and nodded.

She allowed herself to be pulled into a standing position. As soon as she was standing though, her legs were trembling dangerously, almost giving out, probably because she hadn’t eaten anything and her body simply just didn’t have a trace of energy anymore. Jan weakly reached out for support and she was immediately embraced. She felt a pair of arms protectively wrapping around her, pulling her close. Jan quietly sighed, rested her head on Jackie’s shoulder and closed her eyes.  
Jackie couldn’t help herself. 

An incredibly worried, almost whispered “Jan, oh my god" slipped out. Whatever was happening to the younger queen was bad. Really bad. Actually the word ‘bad' was an understatement. It was essentially sucking all of Jan’s energy along with her usual cheery self. The older queen had never seen Jan in such bad condition before, and thinking about it for too long made her feel like her heart was breaking bit by bit.  
She tried to shake the feeling off in order to be able to actually be there for Jan. 

“I’m going to pick you up now, okay?”

Jan looked like she was about to protest, but Jackie was faster.

“Actually, that was just a heads up. Okay baby, here we go.”  
The older queen did her best to pick up Jan as carefully as possible, not wanting to cause her to feel sick again. The younger girl held on tightly to Jackie, their physical contact was making her feel better.

When they had reached the dressing room, Jackie decided Jan should stay near her so she could keep an eye on her. She made Jan sit down in front of her own vanity, and then gathered all of Jan’s things, deciding they could share one vanity. 

Jan was shaking noticeably more by now, which again wasn’t good at all, especially since Jackie had felt how hot Jan had been when she had carried her earlier. Which reminded her..  
Widow walked up to them, firstly turning her attention to Jan, who now looked like she was close to passing out again.  
“Hey, how are you holding up?” Widow tried to keep her voice down.

Jan looked up. Although she knew she didn’t have to pretend anymore, she didn’t want to sound whiny.

“I’m okay now..”

Widow rolled her eyes. “Why am I even asking? Jan, honestly you’re never going to be honest when it comes to your well being, are you?”

Then she looked at Jackie and handed her the pain killers and a bottle of water. 

“Here you go, maybe you can get her to take them.” With that she left, joining the rest of the girls in their casual conversations.

Jackie was shocked. “Are you serious? Jan, baby, you suck at self care.” 

Jan half heartedly tried to defend herself. “I didn’t want it to happen again. I don’t think I can handle throwing up again.”  
Then, something seemed to break inside of her. 

“I’m so tired Jackie, it’s so hard pretending to be happy when everything hurts..” The moment of vulnerability was short lived though. Jan seemed to be shocked with what words had just left her mouth.

“I’m so sorry. I know everyone is tired, I promise I can-"

Jackie interrupted her. “Jan. No. Stop. I promise you can talk about how you’re feeling, in fact, I think everyone including me would be happy if you did so we can actually help you. We all love you. I love you.”

Jan smiled a tiny but genuine smile. “I love you too. And I thank you for everything.”

“No need to thank me. That’s what friends are for. But actually..you could return the favor right now.” 

Jan was about to ask how, but before she could do so, Jackie already held up the medication with a somewhat pleading expression. 

Before Jan could even respond, Nicky who had been nearby and therefore heard the conversation, apparently had enough. She walked up to Jan, standing in front of her and staring directly into her eyes. 

Nicky’s expression was hard to read, though intense concern and anger caused because of it seemed to be the majority of it. She let out a sharp breath before speaking, focusing hard on keeping her voice as calm as possible. Jan was scared at this point.

“Okay, that is enough. Jan, I swear to god if you don’t take them right now, I will shove them down your throat myself. And don’t you think I’m kidding, bitch.”

If Jan had been scared before, she was now completely and utterly terrified, especially since she had never seen Nicky like this before. 

Jackie tried to break up the serious situation. Nicky wasn’t wrong, but scaring Jan wasn’t going to help. She subconsciously took Jan’s hand before turning her attention to Nicky.

“I think we’ll manage without taking such extreme measures, right?” She looked at Jan.

The younger queen sighed softly, but then nodded She could probably endure the consequences if it meant it would make Jackie happy and Nicky wouldn’t possibly kill her.

Thankfully Jackie seemed to sense that Jan would be more comfortable (and safer) with her giving her the tablets. Nicky was okay with this, she left, but not without hugging both Jackie and Jan quickly and stayed near enough so she could help if it was needed. She didn’t have the desire to participate in the hushed small talk of the nine other queens. It was forced anyway so Jan wouldn’t feel guilty about making them worry.  
The older queen instructed Jan to open her mouth, put the small, white pills in, and then helped Jan drink a bit of water, this time stopping before Jan even started to look uncomfortable.

“Well done, baby, I’m proud of you.” But then Jackie noticed the younger girl tense up, looking at the ground.

“Jan, honey, look at me.” Jackie carefully took Jan’s hands. The younger queen finally looked up.

“It’s okay, it’s not going to happen again, I promise. But you need to calm down and breathe, okay? Deep, calm breaths baby. Yeah, that’s better, good job.”

When Jan had finally calmed down, and the nausea had subsided to a manageable level again without vomiting, the cast was yet again called for the next interview.

It all happened in some sort of a haze for Jan, having to answer questions she was convinced they had all answered earlier? Or had they? Everything was starting to blur together. 

Halfway through the interview though, the painkillers finally showed effect and took away some of her pain. She could feel it go down from unbearable to not great, but definitely better.  
During every break they had, Jackie was further making sure she was getting better as best as she could, given their less than ideal for the younger girl location. She just seemed to know exactly what Jan needed, and when. 

As a consequence, the breaks would essentially consist of them being close to each other. For the majority of the time, they were hugging each other, Jackie allowing Jan to rest her head on her shoulder. Whenever she could, she would make Jan drink some more water, but that wasn’t an easy task. At one point she even had Nicky hold Jan still while Jackie made her drink. 

Taking care of someone for a whole day, especially with filming in between was exhausting, but Jackie was glad Jan finally let her help. And even though the younger girl was a bit stubborn at times, Jackie didn’t get annoyed. Instead she reminded herself that Jan was simply scared of having to throw up again.

Filming was finally over for the day, and the whole cast was happy about it. It had been a long day, everyone was exhausted and just wanted to get out of drag and into bed. (Jan was especially grateful because the effect of the painkillers had started wearing off by the beginning of the last interview. By the time they had finished, her pain had been back at full force, leaving her yet again in agony.)

But even in their collectively tired state, no one could resist when Crystal wrapped her arms around both Jan (who was secretly glad for the support to stand up straight) and Gigi, and then suggested a group hug.

Brita had been a bit absent, still thinking about the last interview, she only came back to reality when someone carefully tapped her on the shoulder. It was a bit awkward for her as the only space left was next to Aiden.

“Don't squish her too much” she told the other queens in a concerned voice, obviously meaning Jan. Aiden mouthed a “it’s okay” before pulling her into the group hug. Brita felt a weight leaving her shoulders. Finally, there seemed to be no hard feelings between Aiden and herself anymore. In that moment, both of them promised themselves to try and stop fighting as much as they, despite on their occasional disagreements, still loved each other.

They only broke their comforting hug when the van from earlier was there to bring them back to the hotel. All of them were eager to get into the car, looking forward to get back.

The car ride was pretty silent, most of the queens were nodding off. Jan on the other hand, could feel every movement of the van, and it didn’t do her ever so present nausea any favors.  
On top of that she was freezing, her entire body was shaking aggressively, and her teeth were chattering. 

Jackie pulled Jan as close as possible in a car, putting one arm around Jan’s shoulders while she very, very carefully placed her other hand on Jan’s stomach, obviously without applying any sort of pressure, hoping the warmth would help the younger girl. It actually helped, but it made Jan blush because she was slightly embarrassed about someone touching her there, not enough to say anything about it though. She was tired and her head hurt after all. Jackie’s actions were making her feel better, so she decided to just accept the help. 

When they had finally reached the hotel, Jackie realized she was the only one awake, except for the driver, of course. She was tired too, of course, but she had stayed awake in case Jan needed her.

She decided to wake up Jan last, just to let her sleep for a few more minutes. The poor girl even looked exhausted in her sleep. When she untangled herself from her, Jan whined in her sleep, but didn’t wake up. Jackie felt bad for doing it right after, but she wanted to get everyone else out of the car first so Jan could wake up peacefully without too many concerned questions about her well being. 

Jackie got up. One by one, she tapped the other queens on their shoulders. For some of them, this was enough to wake up. The ones who were still asleep were gently shaken awake. When the others were all more or less awake, they fairly quickly realized where they were, and got out of the car.

Jackie turned her attention back to Jan, who was still asleep, but now she was mumbling and looked uncomfortable, probably cold without Jackie being near her. The older queen decided that now would be a good moment to wake Jan up. She undid Jan’s seatbelt before carefully tapping on her shoulder a couple of times. Surprisingly, this was enough for the younger queen to wake up. Jan opened her eyes, and looked around. She was visibly confused and slightly scared by her surroundings. Then she looked at Jackie for an explanation.

“It’s okay, baby. We’re back at the hotel. We made it.”

Jan smiled, still too tired to answer verbally, glad that this day finally seemed to be coming to an end. She couldn’t wait to get out of drag. But first she had to tackle another obstacle: getting out of the car. It would have been difficult anyway, the evil white-out contacts were still in, and if trying to see anything with them had been hard earlier with daylight, she was now completely blind. It was a miracle she had even been able to recognize Jackie’s silhouette in the dark.

“I’ll help you get out now, okay?” Jackie asked, though the question was pretty much rhetorical.

“Thanks.” Jan’s voice sounded so small and tired it made Jackie sad.

“Okay, well..you might have to walk a few steps, just out of the car, do you think you can do that? I’ll help you, of course. There’s no way in hell I’ll let you fall down and that is a promise.”

Jan mustered up the strength to nod. “Sure, I can walk.”

It turned out that Jackie wasn’t kidding when she had made her promise. For the entire short walk she held Jan with what could only be described as a protective death grip. This action was actually less exaggerated than one might think. Jan had to focus on every step, trying to keep her balance. Her steps were shaky, and she felt not unlike a fawn trying its first wobbly steps. 

The others were waiting for them in the hotel lobby, probably to make sure that Jan and Jackie were okay even though everyone was eager to get out of drag. Even Rock was too tired to make jokes and leaned against Nicky for support. Nicky didn’t even complain, instead she embraced Rock. 

Finally, the glass doors of the hotel opened and the two the others had waited for appeared, Jackie still holding Jan like the younger queen would break if she let go. 

Crystal exclaimed a shocked “Oh my god!” at the sight of Jan , and covered her mouth with her hands. Gigi had done a good job to keep Crystal away from Jan until that point, so the shocked reaction wasn’t really a surprise to anyone. Crystal didn’t say anything else, she just started crying. Gigi tried to calm her down, but didn’t make any move to drag Crystal away this time. 

“Is she okay?”, Gigi asked in a serious voice. She herself hadn’t seen Jan that much during the breaks because of Crystal.  
Jan decided she was too tired to say that she was actually present and could speak for herself.

Jackie shook her head. “No, but she will be.” Then, looking at Jan, she added “You'll feel better soon, I promise, you’re so strong, baby.” Jan nodded, although she didn’t exactly feel like she would ever feel better again.

Heidi cleared her throat.

“Hey, I’m not trying to ruin this conversation, but I think we should get out of drag now, I think we're all tired, and personally I don’t want to fall asleep with my face still on.” 

Obviously everyone agreed, so they all went to go to their individual rooms. Jan had once again insisted that she could walk on her own, but nevertheless Jackie and Nicky supported her on either side as Jan looked like she was about to faint, and felt like it, too.

They even had to take a break just before they reached the rooms as Jan was getting so light headed she was starting to see ever growing black spots that were clouding her vision, and she could hear the blood rushing in her ears. It felt gross and uncomfortable. At this point giving in and letting the darkness take over didn’t seem that bad anymore, but of course she fought the feeling, she didn’t want to worry her friends, passing out on a random hotel floor would cause a lot of panic, and she wanted to avoid it.

Once Jackie and Nicky were convinced that Jan wouldn’t faint (taking her word for it was pointless, Jan would probably still claim to be alright), they walked the last few steps to where Jackie's and Jan’s rooms were located. Jan was about to search for her keys when Jackie got out hers and unlocked the door. 

“Jan, I’m sorry, but I won’t leave you alone right now, so you’re coming into my room.” Jackie could already see Jan trying to walk into the bathroom, collapse and hitting her head somewhere before her inner eye, and she would not let that happen. 

With Nicky’s help, Jackie managed to get Jan onto the large bed. Nicky decided to leave in order to de drag in her own room.  
“Text me when you’re done so I can help again to get her upstairs for dinner.”

“Will do, thanks” Jackie answered before turning her attention back to Jan. The younger queen was still in the same position they had put her in earlier, sitting up. Jan, however, looked like she was seconds away from falling asleep. 

That wouldn’t have been a problem, but sleeping with contacts still in was not a good idea, and even worse now since Jan had already done it in the van. Jackie decided that they needed to be taken out as soon as possible, also because they were obviously making Jan’s headache worse.

“Hey honey, do you trust me?” the older queen asked in a soft voice.

Jan was slightly confused, but then nodded as hard as she could (which wasn’t much). 

“Okay, good. I need to get out your contacts, alright? I won’t hurt you baby, I promise.”

Jan watched Jackie get up and leave, walking into the bathroom. She could hear the sink running, a few moments later Jackie returned with a couple of things. She looked slightly nervous, taking out someone else’s contact lenses wasn’t something she had done often before, but she had to try for Jan’s sake.

“Okay, are you ready? Here we go..” She was talking more to herself.

Jackie firstly removed Jan’s fake lashes before getting started on getting out the contacts. She instructed Jan to look up while opening the girls’ eye enough for it to work. Surprisingly, she was able to remove the first contact with just one try. She struggled a bit more with the second one, but managed not to hurt Jan in the process. 

Afterwards, she used a few different makeup removal products to get Jan’s makeup off, and then applied moisturizer to keep her skin from drying out too much. When that was done, she excused herself to take off her own makeup in the bathroom where there was a mirror. She hurried through her skin care routine, not wanting to leave the younger queen alone for too long. 

When she returned to the bedroom, she realized they both still needed to change into more comfortable clothes. Jackie decided to start with Jan. She unpinned her wig, and helped her out of the white spiky outfit, doing her best so Jan didn’t have to move too much. The younger girl kept trying to say that she could do everything on her own, but Jackie just told her it was no problem and that needing help sometimes was perfectly fine, and that it was absolutely no trouble. Jan kept thanking her and apologizing profusely anyway.

Now, technically she could have just gone into Jan’s room to get some clothes, but decided against it, and instead helped Jan into some of her clothes, figuring it didn’t really matter anyway. Jackie changed as quickly as possible herself before texting Nicky. Before she hit ‘send' though, she looked at Jan.

“Actually, do you want to stay here and rest? I could bring you some food.” 

Jan shook her head. “No, it’s okay.” She didn’t want to be alone in her vulnerable state, not even for a short amount of time. Jackie nodded, and finally sent the message.  
Nicky knocked on the door just a minute later. With little problems this time they once again helped Jan to walk to their table.

The other queens were already present, and, similarly to the morning, looked tired, this time even more so without the large amounts of makeup on their faces. No one at this point was even trying to really keep up a conversation, it was quiet, but the silence wasn’t an uncomfortable or awkward one.

Jackie, Jan and Nicky claimed the last three available seats before realizing that they had completely forgotten to get food.  
Before they could do anything about it, Jaida raised an eyebrow at Jan.

“No offense Jan, but why are you here?” 

Jan took it the wrong way, she looked like she was about to cry, her eyes dangerously sparkling. 

“I didn’t want to be alone.”

“Aw Jan, no, please don’t cry, I’m sorry. I just meant you should be in bed resting. We’re all happy you’re here, but I think I speak for everyone when I say we would all prefer to see you getting better soon because we love you.”

Everyone else immediately agreed, their hearts practiced melting.

Jackie sighed. “Did you seriously think I was going to leave you alone after bringing you food? Oh, Jan.”

Jan didn’t want to answer, so she just kind of shrugged, realizing how wrong her way of thinking had been before turning her attention to Jaida, who still looked apologetic.

“I love you too. And really, I feel better now!”

Nicky rolled her eyes. “You almost fainted a couple of minutes ago, how is that even close to getting better?”

When Jan didn’t answer, and instead looked down, face looking flushed, Jackie decided to step in with a more important question.

“Jan, what do you want to eat?” She had purposely not asked whether or not the younger queen wanted to wanted to eat at all as that wasn’t really an option. Jan not eating for an entire day was not going to happen on Jackie’s watch.

“Uhm..nothing?” Jan looked at Jackie with puppy eyes. The older queen didn’t give in that easily though. 

“No Jan, you have to eat something. It doesn’t have to be a lot, but you need something in your system if you want to get better.”

“Exactly, how else is your body supposed to recover? It needs energy, plus you lost like salt and stuff” Nicky added, voice low and concerned.

After a bit of discussion, Jackie and Nicky decided to just pick something for Jan as she didn’t seem like she would do it for herself. They were looking for something that basically didn’t count as food but would be enough so Jan would still get a bit of nutrition into her. 

After a bit of searching, Nicky found some kind of a broth, that according to her was just “hot, flavored water", so probably the safest option. Jackie and Nicky chose some food for themselves and got some water before returning to the table.

Unsurprisingly, Jan didn’t look too happy when a small bowl of something (she didn’t even really want to look at it) and a glass of water were placed in front of her. She still made sure to thank the two queens though.

Five minutes passed and Jan still hadn’t touched her food. Jackie nudged her carefully, and whispered words of encouragement. Nicky, on the other hand was about to repeat her threat from earlier. Just when she was about to speak up, Jan started eating very slowly.

Nicky nodded in approval, but just when she was about to relax and turn her attention back to her own plate, Jan suddenly stopped. Nicky glanced at Jan’s bowl. The younger queen had barely touched it. 

“Non.” Nicky underlined her statement with a headshake. She didn’t want to go such extremes that would probably embarrass Jan, but 1) Nicky couldn’t care less about that in that moment and 2) desperate times called for desperate measures. She picked up the bowl, got a bit of the contents on the spoon, and held it in front of Jan.

“Come on, open up.” Jan shook her head softly.

“Jan, you’re going to faint if you keep this up. Please.” 

Jan was about to respond, but the second she opened her mouth, Nicky wasted no time, and just slid the spoon into Jan’s mouth as quickly as possible. The younger queen looked at her like a kicked puppy, it made Nicky almost feel bad. Not quite though because this was about Jan’s health.

Nicky’s face softened a bit. “Sorry, but this is necessary.” And then, in a firmer tone “swallow.” Jan reluctantly did as she was told. 

They repeated that process for around three more times before Jan covered her mouth to both finally say something and keep Nicky from forcing more soup into her mouth.

“Nicky, please stop. I can’t handle any more, I feel so sick.”

Nicky nodded in agreement. “Okay, I won’t, I promise. Just have a few sips of your water, and then I’ll leave you alone, okay?” 

“Okay.” Jan shakily drank the water. By the time she was done, everyone was praising her. She didn’t even feel embarrassed anymore, she was so tired she was about to fall asleep on the table, but she was okay with that. It meant both that she wasn’t about to throw up again, and that she wasn’t alone with all her sisters next to her.

Just when she was about to enter dreamland for real, she was carefully shaken back awake by Jackie.

“Okay baby, it’s time to go to bed for you. And don’t you even think you’ll have to be alone. In fact you’re coming to my room tonight so I can keep an eye on you and make sure you’re okay.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So the day is over, and everything is fine..or is it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, I know it's been an eternity:(  
> I hope it's still enjoyable regardless:)  
> Thank you to everyone who has read, liked, and/or commented, it means a lot to me<3

“Okay baby, it’s time to go to bed for you. And don’t you even think you’ll have to be alone. In fact you’re coming to my room tonight so I can keep an eye on you and make sure you’re okay.”

If Jan hadn’t been so incredibly tired, she would have argued, not wanting to bother Jackie for any longer since she had been there for her for the whole day already. Instead the only response she could give in her current state was a barely audible “thank you.”

Jackie wished the rest of the girls a good night, and Jan tried her best to do the same thing. She, in return received a ton of get well wishes, and even a kiss on her cheek from Crystal. 

Jan tried to convince Jackie that she could now actually walk to the room, but in her already half asleep state it wasn’t very believable. Jackie shook her head fondly in response.

“It’s okay baby, you really need rest as soon as possible. I really don’t mind.”

With that, she picked up Jan, going as slowly and carefully as she could. She wanted to make sure it wouldn’t make the younger girl nauseous after eating. Thankfully that didn’t seem to be the case, if anything Jan looked like some of the leftover tension was starting to wear off, allowing her to relax a bit.

Jackie said goodbye once again to the other girls before heading to her room, making sure Jan was secure and doing okay. A few meters away from the room, she noticed the way Jan was tensing up again, and how the shivering had reached a whole new level now. She decided to take a break from walking to make sure the girl in her arms would be stable enough to finally get her into bed.  
Carefully she lowered Jan to the ground, making sure she was supported by a wall behind her. That seemed to do the trick, and Jan settled a bit, the newly built tension was visibly leaving her body, and she took a few deep breaths to calm herself down.

“How did you know that was exactly what I needed right now?”

Jackie didn’t know how to answer, it was just a natural thing for her to notice and react to even the smallest details.

“Lucky guess. Are you doing a bit better now?”

Jan felt a pang of guilt for making Jackie stand around in a random hotel corridor because she was too weak to just take care of herself. Jan hated feeling weak, she just wanted everything to go back to normal. Thinking about the entire day was making her eyes all shiny like newly cut glass. 

Before the tears could escape though, Jackie spoke up again.

“Whatever it is that you’re worried about, stop, you don’t have to worry about anything but getting better at the moment. I’m here because I want to. Of course I know that you would probably be okay on your own, but honestly, then I’d probably be worried about you for the whole night and I would end up asking you to stay in my room anyway. That being said, you okay to continue baby?”

Jan weakly nodded, she didn’t really trust her voice right now.

“You can tell me if you need another break, I’d rather wait than seeing you suffer any more than necessary.”

They managed to get to the hotel room without another incident. It turned out though, that trying to unlock a door while holding another person was harder than expected. Harder, but not impossible, Jackie decided. 

She carefully shifted Jan so one of her arms was free, and after a bit of struggling she managed to open the door. The first thing she did after entering was placing Jan on the bed as carefully as possible. By now the younger girl was shaking like she was about to freeze, teeth chattering included. Her whole body felt numb, muscles so tense she wasn’t sure if she would even be able to move properly in that state.

“You keep shivering, are you okay?”

“I’m just a bit cold, that’s it.”

“Doesn’t it hurt at this point? I mean the shivering.” 

Jan sighed, and then silently nodded in agreement. It truly did, in fact it had been for quite a while and therefore at this point, she wanted nothing more than to be able to finally calm down enough in order to stop the excessive shivering to be able to finally get her much deserved sleep.

“Honestly, I don’t know whether there’s a single part of my body that doesn’t hurt.”

Jan quickly forced a weak chuckle to pass it off as a joking statement, but Jackie could see right through it. She knew that at this point the only thing that would Jan help to get better was sleep, preferably lots of it, so her priority was trying to make Jan feel as comfortable as possible as quickly as she could.  
Jackie absentmindedly grabbed Jan’s hand, intertwining their fingers, while going through her mental list of things she could do for the younger queen at this point to make her feel better.

“Do you need some more painkillers or water?”

Jan’s eyes widened in shock, almost like she had just been insulted.

“Please don’t make me take anything anymore”, she whispered in an almost pleading way.

Jackie nodded, accepting the answer.

“Okay, I promise I won’t. Do you need anything else?”

When Jan politely declined, Jackie carefully untangled their hands in order to make sure the younger girl was as comfortable as possible, adjusting the blanket, but Jan seemed not to be able to get warm on her own. Other than that, she was on the verge of falling asleep, eyes already half closed.

Therefore, the whining noise was fairly unexpected when Jackie attempted to get up in order to turn off the lights.

“Don’t leave me please, I’m not sure how I’ll survive the night without you.” Jan immediately covered her mouth after her statement, clearly shocked herself by the words that had just left her mouth without her consent.

The fact that now even Jackie was taken aback by the words made the younger girl feel like she had done something wrong.

“I'm sorry, I'm-"

“Jan, no. Stop.”

Seeing Jan act like this, worried she’d be left alone and apologizing for something she was genuinely scared of, was honestly quite heartbreaking.

“Don’t apologize love, I could have just explained. I was just going to turn off the lights. Is that okay with you?”

Jan now seemed embarrassed, blushing (although that could have been just from the fever) and refusing to look anywhere but the ceiling. She wordlessly nodded.

After Jackie had turned off the lights, and found her way back to the bed, Jan immediately gathered her last bit of energy to move closer to her, craving both comfort and warmth. Jackie got the hint, switching positions in the most gentle way she could so Jan was on top of her. 

After a few seconds, Jan started to relax once again, this time she was getting ready to finally go to sleep, her shivering was finally slowing down, and her breath started to even out. She was ready to finally give her body the much needed rest to heal and recover. Her mind, however, had other plans.

Every interview, every time a camera had been focused on her, every movement she had made while being filmed, it all started replaying in her mind, all of the ignored thoughts and feelings hit her with a cruel intensity she couldn’t handle in her current state. Every replay made her feel worse about the day. She felt like she had let down the people that maybe were going to be fans of hers.

Jan was so wrapped up trying to analyze everything that  
happened that might cause the viewers to think of her negatively, completely oblivious to her surroundings, she didn’t even notice how she had started to cry. 

When Jackie noticed the hot tears streaming down, creating a wet patch on her shirt, she didn’t think too much of it, it had been a long day after all, and this was probably how Jan handled extreme exhaustion. She tried to comfort the younger queen, gently stroking her back and whispering that everything would be better soon. 

However, the second Jackie noticed how Jan’s breath sped up all of the sudden, chest rising and falling rapidly, muscles tensing up throughout her body, she decided she would have to do something to calm Jan down before she would have a full blown panic attack.

Jackie decided that their current position wasn’t ideal for Jan at the moment, so she carefully moved in order to get the younger queen off of her. Surprisingly, Jan didn’t really react to any of it, still too caught up in her own thoughts, breath still way too unsteady for Jackie’s liking. 

Once Jan was situated in a better position, on her back, next to Jackie, the latter took a moment to look at Jan before attempting to help her, to get a better idea of what to do next.

Jan was still pretty out of it, now staring at the ceiling with somewhat unfocused eyes, her pupils were completely dilated and her tears wouldn’t stop. If she had been alone in her room she probably wouldn’t have been able to calm down on her own, but thankfully that wasn’t the case. Jackie was very grateful she had insisted on the younger girl staying with her for the night, even if that meant sacrificing some of her sleep. Jan was her top priority right now.

Jackie quietly started talking to the younger queen, trying to get Jan to notice her words, but to no avail. She had been reluctant to touch Jan because she figured since it all had started while they were cuddling, touch of any kind might make it worse and obviously that was the last thing she wanted to do. But seeing Jan this unresponsive was scary enough for her to bite the bullet and gently shake the younger girl while still talking to her, trying to get her back to reality, or at least some kind of reaction. 

“Hey, shh, it’s okay, look at me, please.” She kept repeating this sentence in different variations.

Around a minute later, the desired reaction happened, Jan finally turned her head to face Jackie, she even looked a bit calmer. Her eyes still didn’t seem to focus properly, but that was the least of Jackie’s concerns, she was just grateful that Jan was finally reacting to her again. 

But just when she thought that everything was going to be fine now, Jan's face scrunched up, suddenly looking like she was in pain before going back to her original panicky state. This time Jackie was determined not to let her slip away too far into her head.

“Jan baby, what’s wrong?”

Jan was back to being unresponsive, and Jackie was slowly getting desperate.

“Please, I need you to tell me what’s wrong so I can help you.”

Still no reaction.

“Jan, come on, talk to me please, you’re scaring me.”

This seemed to finally be the right sentence to pierce through her thoughts and force Jan out of her head for good.  
With great difficulty she tried to form a sentence in her panicked state.

“Sorry. I am so sorry.”

Jackie was so relieved she could have cried. Instead she focused on what was important, which was trying to help the younger queen.

“Don’t apologize, there’s no need to.”

Jan tried to nod.

“Okay.”

She was only able to give short responses because she felt like she couldn’t breathe.

“But, you absolutely need to try and calm down. If you keep this up, you’ll faint and we don’t want that.”

Jan just looked at Jackie helplessly, she didn’t know what to do.

“Let me help you.”

The next thing Jan felt was that she was being moved, carefully being guided into a sitting position, Jackie’s hand on her back, slowly rubbing it up and down in a steady pace. 

Then, another hand was placed on her chest while Jackie guided Jan’s hand towards her own chest.

“Okay baby, I want you to breathe at the same speed as me. Just try to mimic what I’m doing, alright?”

Jackie waited for a bit, seeing Jan try her best to do what she had been tasked with. It took her a fair bit of effort, but she was slowly getting there.

“You’re doing amazing, keep going, you can do it.”

Around just five minutes later, the situation was under control, Jan had finally fully calmed down, but something was still on her mind, the expression on her face clearly revealed it, even her usually sparkly eyes were looking dull. It would have been hard for the average person to spot, but not for Jackie. Jan was worried about something and Jackie was going to find out what it was, why, and then she’d try to help Jan solve whatever the problem was. It was important to note that the younger girl usually had a healthy amount of confidence, but tonight that confidence seemed to have vanished into thin air. It was probably only temporary and to blame on Jan’s overall state, but even then Jackie was determined to help her rebuild it until everything would be back to normal. In that moment she would have done everything in her power to get Jan to calm down enough to finally go to sleep and allow her body to heal.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“About what?” Jan looked genuinely confused, almost scared.

“Panicking like that usually happens for a reason, and I can tell whatever it is, it’s still bothering you, love.”

Jan shook her head frantically.

“It’s so stupid, and it can’t be changed anyway."

“Baby, it’s affecting you negatively, whatever it is, it’s a valid concern you have, and nothing about that is stupid in any way. And I think it would be good to talk about it, keeping things bottled up is just going to hurt you eventually, and I hate seeing you like this.”

“Alright”, Jan said quietly, gathering her thoughts before speaking again.

“It’s just..I feel like I haven’t done enough, you know? Like, I could’ve used this day like yesterday. Especially since I saw Crystal taking a bunch of videos, and everyone had like tons of pictures, except me. Because I didn’t have enough energy. I feel like I let down the fans, people who I don’t even know, what if they’re going to hate me?”

“Jan, let me be honest there. Every time the cameras were on, you completely transformed into your usual persona, literally no one will be able to tell. And even if they could, which isn’t going to be the case, I promise, the only things they’re going to be is both shocked and impressed. You were so professional, not many people would have been able to do that. And if I were you I would just tell people the truth once everything airs, being sick is nothing to be embarrassed about.”

Those few sentences made a lot of sense and Jan immediately cheered up, she felt like a huge weight had been lifted from her chest, allowing her to finally breathe without issues again. The way Jackie had not only reassured her, but given her advice as well was enough to convince Jan that maybe everything would be okay after all.

“Thank you. For everything. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Jackie smiled, seeing how Jan’s face was finally brightening up, how she suddenly looked so relieved.

“Anytime, baby. But please, tell us next time when something is wrong. I don’t even know what you were thinking. However, I promise we, all of us, just want to help you, and for that you need to be honest with us. We all love you Jan, I love you.”

“I love you too.” Jan’s eyes were glassy, she was getting emotional, overwhelmed with all of the love.

“Do you think you can try and go to sleep now, love? You need a lot of rest now.”

Jan nodded, feeling tired again.

“Are you okay now? Do you need anything?”

“I’m so cold.”

Jackie opened her arms, motioning her to come closer.

“Come here.”

Jan did as she was told. She was embraced immediately, and a kiss was carefully placed on her forehead. The warmth of the hug was enough to make her stop shivering as much, and it made her feel safe, too. She was beyond grateful that the painful sensation was slowly subduing.

The kiss had an almost magical effect on her. It was like the act of love was having a physical effect on her, warmth and comfort spreading and covering her like a protective layer, ready to shield and protect her from all pain and negativity.

Her worries suddenly vanished, all that was left was a warm, fuzzy feeling.

Soon, they were back into their initial position, under the covers, Jan on top of Jackie. This time it felt peaceful, like everything would be fine in a few hours. With new positive and hopeful thoughts in mind, and feeling the presence of Jackie, Jan finally closed her eyes, feeling safe and a lot better already, allowing her sleepiness to overcome her and letting the next few hours take care of the rest.

When Jackie noticed how Jan’s breath had evened out, she smiled and kissed the younger girl’s forehead again.  
“Goodnight baby, sleep well and feel better soon.”


End file.
